Percussion: If it's not too much to ask...

dirtyreggae:

I have a poem I am working on for a poetry competition, and I think I’m almost done (it’s a more edited version of ‘First Draft’). I want to post it on here for you all to read- and this is where my favour comes in: would you be able to tell me if you understand it? Of course, feel free to…

These are some notes I jotted down earlier this morning: S1: a bit lengthy phrase-wise. Not “easy” language, especially if it’s going to be read aloud. “Old light crippled…” is a good phrase. Pacing is odd — seems like it should be more loose, and the semi-colons slow it down. S3: nice, I like this. S4: not clear of what is going on here — if it’s hard for me to understand it while reading it, it’s going to be harder to comprehend listening to it. S5: seems superfluous. “October/February” — I don’t know if this is a common phrase outside of the States or if it’s personal. If the latter, it doesn’t make much sense since it’s contextless — overly personal instances like this draw the reader out of the poem because it becomes a “fact” they cannot relate to. So, either it needs to change or it needs context (unless, of course, it’s a common phrase). I like the poem overall, but it’s a “heady” poem. It takes multiple reads to understand what is actually being said, which I imagine is partly the point. But if we’re editing this for it to be read aloud, this might not be the best iteration because its comprehension depends on multiple reads.